"You realize you changed into something you are not."

Third time adding to this old note...hope no one sees me as a love advisor, because I really am not. These notes are mostly for me but I didn't see the harm in you all reading along too, because I'm sure sooner or later everyone is going to go through the same thing.

Love is so exciting, so passionate, so unpredictable, and frankly quite scary at times. So you wonder why do people fall in love if there is so much risk involved. Can you really stop yourself from falling in love? You might be able to avoid it but in the end it is impossible to not fall in love, this is just how life goes.

Like I said before love is much like a "double- edged dagger", it can give you as much happiness as it gives you pain. But everyone is different, so I can't tell you how your relationship will grow or what direction it will go...all I can really say is get ready for the craziest ride of your life!

So sometimes I ask myself, am I too young to know what love is? But then I keep coming to the same conclusion of no...once you fall in love you will really know it, trust me. I know some relationships might feel like you love them, but if you really want to know...see what happens once they are gone. Personally I think the difference between an "I think I love you" vs "I know I love you" relationship ending is how hard you fall and how fast you can get up. I've been in both, even though you might be thinking what the hell he's only dated one girl, and in both cases the pain at the beginning might feel the same but the big difference is when you lose someone you love, you don't stop falling. It's like a sick fucking cycle and no matter how hard you try getting back on your feet it seems impossible.

It's weird because you ended the relationship to stop changing into someone you arn't, yet you still change. As you keep falling, hope and happiness seems to get dimmer as time passes and in result, you become cold hearted. Annoyance is everywhere, anger spills out alot faster than normal, and you start feeling hatred/jealousy towards those who have it better than you. And with this attitude towards the world, it's like the world has it out for you. So you stop caring about things because you know even if you try, nothing will make you feel better. What is ironic is that falling feeling you keep inside seems to now be happening in the real world.

Depending on who you are affects how you fall. For some grades will drop, health, or perhaps you end up pushing everyone away and now it's just different. Whatever the case, that once stable world around you seems to be starting to fall apart. So what do you do? Some try to find the same happiness through different things or atleast something to ease their pain, but in the end it doesn't really fix anything. Alcohol, drugs, rebounds, alcohol, alcohol, etc might help you get through the day but at the end of the day you still feel that loneliness you felt at the beginning maybe just not to the same degree. But less pain is better than nothing right? So you keep doing whatever you are doing. But in this quest to ease your pain, you can easily start losing yourself, becoming a stranger, someone you once despised, but in the end its now you.

What is sad is this new all time low of yours is the direct effect of you just not caring anymore. You will come to a point where you just can't fall anymore. Some might call it "hitting rock bottom" but that can mean different things to different people. But you will finally look around and see what has become of your world and that is the point where you can either make a choice of staying in the state you are or trying the impossible and getting back on your feet.

It wasn't until now that I truly realized no matter what friends or family say or do, the only person that can finally help you is yourself; or a higher being, but sometimes we just don't understand their plan. Before I was that type of person that would try to ease someones pain and think I could make everything all better. But to be honest, I never knew true pain then, even though I thought I did. And sometimes you just want to talk about your problems to someone, hoping just maybe they might know the solution. But some never went through the same thing as you or perhaps they have but their relationship and yours are different. Whatever the case, they usually never have the answer you were looking for and you see how alone you are in this cruel world. This is where falling off that slippery slope is easy.

What you need to realize is once you stop caring, there is no way someone is going to be able to catch you. It's weird because this is totally opposite from what I thought before, but I think I've grown up a little bit. So in this state of not caring, your on this rampage of harming yourself. What is blind to you is while right now all you see is yourself and the pain you are in, you don't see the greater pain you are giving the people around you that care for you alot. Yeah it might not be the same pain you feel but they have a greater pain. A pain of fear, sadness, and uncertainty you will be okay. It's only you that knows if you will be okay and thats what makes the pain so much greater for them; they arn't in your head to know. And what is worst is maybe you can't see the harm you are doing to yourself, but they can and the sad thing is the only thing they can do is watch.

And trust me, I know how it feels to think you are all alone in the world and the pain will never stop. But that doesn't mean run out and find something that will make you happy again. What you need to do is get back up on your feet, take everything you have learned, and take one step at a time. Which I know sounds impossible but please trust me when I say the pain will die down as time passes. But that doesn't mean now that you are walking foward you wont fall back down, sometimes the falls will be harder than the others. Either you will hit rock bottom like I did or catch yourself before hitting that point but sooner or later you will get back on your feet. And from time to time it may seem like hope is long gone, but in reality you just arn't looking for it in the right places. And when it does come, in whatever form it maybe, don't push it away because you are scared, take it in. But sometimes that hope might not be the hope you were looking for and you might be knocked on your feet again. Thats just life, you get up, you fall down, you get up, you fall down, it never ends. What I'm trying to say this whole time and hopefully you take it in is life will throw you alot of punches and you will fall, but it's up to you to help yourself and pick yourself up because you can't be waiting until someone does it for you, it just wont happen. Atleast one certain good thing will come out of all this and that is everytime you pick yourself you, you get that much stronger.



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"Love will conquer all."

Thats stupid because love doesnt conquer all, love complicates things. Ya its true some people marry just for whatever but on the most part people marry because they are in love with each other and want to take it to the ultimate step. So tell me, what is divorce? If love conquers all then why cant their problems just be over looked.

Up until a while back I always thought love was "when you find your true one and everything is just perfect". It wasn't until someone said love isn't a thing it's an act. You do something for someone to show how much you love them. That makes alot of sense now. It's true if you think about it. If you love someone you will do things you usually wouldn't do for others. Running home just to say I love you, taking care of them while they are sick, and my favorite always having a dollar bill and a few cents to buy them fries. If someone regular asked me to buy them fries and I wasnt even planning to go there I would probably just give them a look of "hell no"

But sometimes you get a little blinded. What I mean is sometimes you are so in love with this one person you start to change yourself. You start bending in favor of them rather than not. In other words, you do or stop doing something that will make the other person happy. That maybe a great plan until you realize you changed into something you are not. By all means, don't fool yourself if they love you, you shouldn't need to change right? Someone special told me "you should love me for who I am..." That brings me back to my point of change. Love is much more than words as you can tell so when you know you love someone you obviously should know them by then. So you shouldn't change for someone because then how will they ever know the real you. If they love you they will accept you. Hiding your true self just to impress the other is a gamble, because what if they think they know you but then you still have that side you never showed. Just listen when I say be yourself from the beginning because if they know you then and are still with you now then you got someone really special.

There's two types of love, passion and companion. Passion usually happens at the beginning when all you want is to kiss their cute checks and hump them silly. That aint love fool. Companionship comes next. It's when you feel a dependency for them. Like if you dont see them for this many days it feels like you are all alone and you just want to be by your baby. It is a really great feeling when you get to that level because you know you two are like an item now. Apart you are lost but together you feel safe.

Dependency is never good thing if you think about it. You are dependent on a person to bring you happiness. That brings me to the point about relationships and how many of them are dragged out farther than they should. After so long together and then suddenly you are broken up and you feel like the world has ended. Soooo you get back together thinking you will never be happy unless you guys are together. The sad thing is most of the time the problem that broke yall apart usually still is there. But you guys are happy for a few days, weeks, etc then the problem arises again. What is the point of getting back together to get hit by the same problem now causing you problems again. Who ever said break ups were easy? You just need some time to adjust and then you will find someone new and the love cycle starts once again. I think...but I did get a fortune cookie saying I will find someone beautiful, smart, and caring soon. Thats some hope I guess.

Time. It never stops yet sometimes it can feel like one moment can last forever and then other times it can seem like it flew by as fast as it started. All I can say is really cherish your times together and dont think it will always be there. Because when its not there anymore all you wish is to have one more day, an hour at least but you can't. But I'm jumping to far ahead to break up. What I never got was "breaks" Breaks are to take time apart to see what you want, to see if you want to be with them or its better to live alone. To me breaks never worked well. For a week or more you just wait and wait and more waiting. Waiting for what? If the person wants a break with you then obviously they dont know if they want to be with you. But I can see why it's good too maybe they will realize alone is too horrible and everything will be good again.

So far I hit all the bad parts about a relationship, but never forget the good parts yall had. Although it went sour in the end time still passed. That doesnt mean you think of the past and wonder if it could ever be the same. Because sometimes it might and sometimes it wont, but remember people always change when time passes so don't get angry just accept, people change.

Before I was already to forget and move on but sometimes the person you liked before maybe the person you like again. But dont think about the past relationship and all the problems it brought along. Because sometimes relationships get better and better with the more tries because past problems are known and wont be suprises this time.

Of all points I bring this one is most important. Don't hate someone for the choices they make. Life is full of choices and sometimes you might not agree on something. But who is to say you are right and they are wrong. People grow up differently, live their lives differently, that what makes us so different. The best thing to do is let the person do what they wish, dont hold back, dont plead. Because in the end you stopping them from their dreams only bring hatred onto yourself. And then the only person you can blame is you. Just take all you had from the great ride then part your own ways, because only then will both people be happier.

Please dont hate me because truthfully I can never hate you.



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I remember 2 years ago Daniel asked me what I thought love was. Hmm what is love? I remember my exact words were "love is when you find your true one and everything is just perfect". Your true one, thats like what 1/1092740197301927309123? Most of you guys know me, be it well or semi well, but I try to think on the positive side of things. I do believe your true one is out there, you just have to find it.

Well time plays a factor in finding your One. What if my one lives on Mars and NASA hasn't found a way to let humans live up there? I was talking to my oldest cousin about how he met his wife and stuff and he told me he's a pretty easy guy. In other words he can get along well with most girls. So that made me start thinking, I'm pretty easy going, I mean I let things slide which most people wouldn't. I'm assuming he was trying to say sometimes finding your true one isn't as easy as you hoped, but sometimes you have to stop searching and step back and look at what you have. I mean if that person makes you happier than you usually are, why search for a better person? Sometimes you have to be happy with what you have.

After hearing this, it just gave me a hopeful side of love that I didn't see before. It showed me that you can be happy with more than one person....well depending on who you are, and it doesn't mean you wont ever be happy until you find your true one.

With this new perception, I couldn't wait to feel the effervescent feeling I once felt. But what's stopping me from finding a new girl? Well it's pretty bad when you start a relationship when you still have feelings for someone else; it just makes things complicated for onesself. But lets say I do have lingering feelings but I repress them and go out with another girl. In other words getting a rebound. Man, I dont know about y'all but I think thats one of the meanest things anyone could do to another person. First off, you are using them and secondly, you are playing with peoples hearts. I just pray I never do that to a girl and I never plan on too.

I learned that although love may give you the most joyful feeling ever, theres always a dark side waiting . Sometimes your heart cant take the loneliness anymore and wants to run back to that girl. But your mind just cant forgive or knows whats going to be the outcome. Well although people say follow your heart, I think sometimes your mind is right. Sometimes you have to be strong regardless of how hard it is.

A little contrary to the previous paragraph, I'm a person who will always give a second chance. In other words although someone may have given you pain, as long as you want them, give them a second chance because sometimes they can change for the better. This may sound like an A-OK plan, but the most important thing to remember is only want them as along as they want you. In other words, dont chase after someone who doesn't chase you back? Dont be there from someone who isnt there for you? I think you get my point.

Some people may call this post emo, but thats just love....it has its ups and downs. All I want to say is just have a positive attitude on love because there is always going to be someone out there who can make you smile uncontrollably.